The “Guest Columnist” series was a spoof series I created using caricatures of politicians or commentators. Some will be well-known to everyone; some infamous in the UK. I’m sure you’ll be able to recognise most!
Ronald D Fayke
If you want to win at this game, this great game, a game like no other in the history of games, you have to be able to negotiate.
If you wanna learn how to negotiate, you gotta learn from the best. And I am the best. There is no-one who is better at negotiating than me. I have the gift of the gob. Nobody can stand on the same platform, in the same room, as me.
My record is impeccadillo. I have negotiated with the rest. The best of the rest. And I’ve beaten them all. So listen.
Two things. Just two. Two things that you need to know. That you must know.
People, they’ll say: “Oh, Ronald, there are many more things to know.” But they’re wrong. So wrong. Really, really so wrong. There are two things.
“Listen,” I tell them. “Listen. I’m the best. I’ve proved I’m the best. You need to listen to me.”
When they’ve listened, they shake their heads. “You were so right,” they say. “You were so right. You are the best.”
I’ve negotiated in business. I’ve negotiated in politics. I’ve negotiated with leaders of countries. I’ve negotiated in every, every, situation, every place, with everyone. And I’m the best.
I’m a diplomact. Not just any diplomact. I’m the best diplomact you’ll ever see. The best you’ll ever hear.
You want to play Diplomacy better? You need to listen.
Other diplomacts love me. “Ronald,” they say. “Ronald, you are the best. We’ve learned so much by being with you.”
So you know that there is no-one better. No-one better than me. You know. They say, “Ronald, he’s the best.”
I am the diplomact-in-chief. When I walk in a room, the other side are scared. They’re frightened. Terrified. They’re: “Oh no. Oh no it’s Ronald,” they say. And they give up already. They give up before we even start. And I win.
Why do I win? Because I’m very great. I’m very skilled. So skilled. I know what needs to be done. And I get it done. Nobody gets things done like me. Because I have the skills. Nobody has skills like me.
And I’m humble. You’ve gotta be humble. Humble isn’t a skill. Humble is a way of being. And I’m so, so humble.
I have the skills and I’m humble. That’s why I win. Why I get things done. Having skills and humbility.
When you negotiate, you’ve gotta go in strong. You’ve got to be the man. So many, so many, go in like a woman. They go in weak. “Oooh,” they say. “Oooh, what do you want?” Like a woman.
You can’t be a woman in negotiating. I love women. Women love me. But negotiating, you gotta be a man. You’ve gotta be the top man. You gotta say: “This is it. This is it. This is what you’re gonna do.” You say that, you show you are the top man, you get what you want. Easy.
When you negotiate you’ve gotta be The Man.
When you negotiate you gotta know what you want. Know just what you want. You gotta tell them: “This is it. This is what I want. This is how to get it.” And they’re: “He has a plan. He is good.” And they’re in awe. So much in awe. “He is awful,” they say. “So full of it.” Full of awe.
You want to win? Two things.
I could win any game against anyone. Just two things. Easy. Be great. Be awful!
First published in 34 #1, August 2023.
POSTS IN THIS SERIES
- “The Best Negotiator” by Ronald D Fayke
- “Diplomacy for the Players” by Jeffrey Borryn
- “Earn Your Own Victory” by Opal Winfree
- “Sovereignty Within the UK Hobby” by Jacob Riche Nobb
- “Power in Diplomacy” by Pimp Jung On
THE DIPLOMATICON 
Leave a comment